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Castro Bridge Mix #13: One No Trump

Dec 29, 2013

SFO Terminal 2

Waffles waited until the last possible moment before arriving at the airport terminal to catch his flight to LA. Somehow, he felt as if part of himself had been hollowed out and left for dead.

“Your flight should be boarding any minute. You can proceed through the expedited security area, Mr. Madison.” The boarding attendant was seldom flustered by celebrities, but this time she allowed her emotions to get the better of her. “And by the way, I am a huge fan of yours.”

“Thanks. I appreciate that.” Waffles purposely kept his response as short as possible. He didn’t want her comment to gather momentum in the crowded airport. Suddenly, his phone began vibrating. It was the Poo Butler.

“You left a satchel of belongins, guv’nor.” The caller spoke with a heavy Cockney accent.

“Feel free to set it on fire and warm your cockles by it or whatever you do.” Waffles powered through Terminal 2’s enormous front lobby. We was just about to proceed to expedited security when he felt a hand on his left shoulder. A fan who had seen through his disguise no doubt. He turned and faced his Poo Butler in the flesh.

“Are you sure ’bout that? I checked it briefly. No bum hole engineer bluesy in tow.” His unexpected visitor was a sixty-two year old, five-foot five-inch person with a tough-as-nails exterior draped in a heavy wool suit more designed for a freezing winter’s eve in London than for a mid-70s day in California. The Poo Butler’s given name was Elaine.

“Welcome to the modern age, Elaine. Gay porn streams through the internet these days. No need for video cassettes.” Waffles pointed at his watch. “Now, I have a plane to catch.”

“Surely, I’m putting me boot in me cake hole, but is this what you really want?” The bleached blonde had a fearless look on her timeworn face.

“Are you out of your Cockney mind? I’m about to star in one of the biggest grossing action adventure movie franchises on the planet.” He couldn’t even believe he was having this conversation.

“What about yer special chutney ferret?” It painfully obvious that Elaine was completely oblivious to the insensitivity of some of her Cockney expressions.

“Look, I think you’re a few shiny white buttons short of a pearly jacket. Dereck and I are just friends. There’s nothing more there.”

“If you says so guv’nor. I guess I’ll stop me employ ’bout her then.” She stepped away from Waffles and uncharacteristically planted a kiss on his forehead. It took a full thirty seconds to sink in that his Poo Butler was dumping him. Waffles suddenly reversed direction from the expedited security line and raced after Elaine. “Hold on. Wait! Halt!”

“Yes, guv’nor?” She smiled inwardly.

“You’re quitting me because I’m not trying to chase after a dead-end relationship instead of pursuing the career dream of a lifetime?” Are you barmy?’ He couldn’t believe that he was going to miss his flight for this crazy woman.

“Dunno. Maybe I’m bladdered this mornin’. But I do see things. And when it’s love I see, I know I have to move mystic megs to land it.”

“Your mystic megs? What the hell are you talking about woman?” Waffles glanced at his watch. There was still five minutes left. He could make his flight if he ran right now.

Elaine looked straight into his eyes. “Me legs. And if I were you, I’d be using yours as well.”

“I’m gonna use me mystic megs, Elaine. And I’m gettin’ me arse back on me flight to LA.” Waffles dashed over to the security line and in an instant his Poo Butler had vanished into thin air.


© 2013  William Morrison. All Rights Reserved.